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Posted: November 10th, 2003 | Author: admin | Filed under: LJ | 12 Comments »So it’s been a while, and to all my loyal fans, I sincerely apologize.
A lot has been happening in my life, but at the same time, nothing has happened.
The weather here is shitty, and has been for over a week. It’s been over a week since I have seen the sun in all it’s glory.
…It’s making me severely depressed…
Now and then, I get pretty depressed, and the reasons are almost always trivial. I haven’t been REALLY depressed since high school, where I would get deeply depressed for a month or more and then just pop out of it. That was back when I didn’t understand my body as much as I do now. Usually when depression starts to rear its ugly head, I recognize it, and act accordingly. This time, however, the odds have been against me.
To everyone who has talked to me since last Sunday (8th of November), I want to let you know, you weren’t talking to me. The Me you know is gone and hasn’t been around for a while. I don’t know when he’ll come back, but life sure is shitty without him.
What, you ask, could make such a level headed boy such as myself go crazy?
Girls, Weather, Family, Friends, Drugs?
All of the above?
My Family is my LIFE
Last weekend I spent the most glorious weekend in my hometown. I visited my brother for the first time. Honestly, there is nothing more beautiful in the world. Never before have I loved something I had never before seen. And now I’m here at school, more homesick than I have ever been before. In fact, I’ve never really been homesick. I just want to be home, holding him in my arms…
Girls Girls Girls
Sarah, Jon’s EX, drove me home this weekend, and stayed at my house. It was fun having her there, because I love hanging out with her. I don’t even remember how it started, but next thing I know, we’re the regular hookup. I stayed over at her place, etc etc. Now, all I can think about is sex. Sex sex sex sex. It consumes me, and I crave it all the time. I have never been this horny before, and it sucks. I have even blown off “just hanging out” because there was no sex involved and I was tired. I’m SUCH an ass.
Also, It’s my best friends Ex-Girlfriend, and that makes me feel a little weird.
Rickets, anyone??
Imagine growing up in sunny Central California, where the sun shines all day, and summer rarely sees highs below 100. Now imagine being in Northern California, where if currently has been raining for the last 7+ days. Imagine being deprived of this magical thing we call the sun. The sun is my life!! I swear I’ll go crazy if I wake up tomorrow and not see the sun.
I smoke two joints in the afternoon, it makes me feel alright
I have been smoking weed recreationally for a little over a year now, and It has NEVER interfered negatively with any aspect of my life. I smoke responsibly, and never alone. I couldn’t have a healthier smoking attitude. BUT… this week, we had some very premium bud, and I think that I have become addicted. Not in literal chemical sense, like with caffeine or heroin, but in the psychological sense. When I get high, I usually have two paths in front of me: “Turn off brain” and “Filter out unnecessary crap so I can think clearly.” Normally I take the second path, as it is a much more fulfilling and mind expanding path. The only problem with that path is if your thoughts make you sad (AKA depression). If you’re depressed, you really have NO business taking recreational drugs, it’s just too easy to do horrible things to your body or your mind. But I am a level headed person, and I can handle my thoughts pretty well, so I figured that I’d just get high and turn off my brain. The problem is, that when you turn off your brain, you feel really good, but then you come back and are MORE depressed, because you have seen how good life can be, but you can’t get there. And it just puts you deeper down the hole.
I seriously think I might need to see a counselor or take some SSRI’s or something. I hear they work wonders. Plus I could technically be on disability.
My life at this point seems like one giant controlled fall, and I just keep falling and falling, waiting to hit bottom.
PS. If anyone tells me that I shouldn’t be having sex or smoking weed, I’ll remove you from my friends list. I can make those decisions myself.